"These Boots Are Made for Walkin' " (Nancy Sinatra)

Boots with long skinny heels are NOT made for walkin'. They're made for looking catty, rupturing Achilles tendons, and possibly impaling ex-boyfriends.

0:11 - There's too many of them! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

0:17 - The Bootipede continues on.

0:46 - "BEACH PARTY! OMG!" "Let's scamper!"

0:52 - This isn't actually a dance move. It's the "self-chiropractor," best for straightening out the back after attempting to walk around in skinny-heeled boots.

0:59 - Because pants are overrated.

1:26 - For boots made for walkin', the arms really are doing most of the work here.

1:38 - These boots are so painful that the dancers had to engage in spontaneous yoga classes.

1:39 - However, Nancy didn't get the memo. She's teaching Zumba A-Go-Go.

2:07 - You ain't had time to learn Upward-Facing Dog.

2:12 - Yeah, you'll need to stretch all you can, ladies.

2:20 - NO! It's the Hobbits from Leonard Nimoy's video!

2:35 - "I said, 'Boots, start walkin'. Not 'hoppin!'"

2:41 - The phalanx, ancient unstoppable battle formation, had nothing on this.

"Turkey Lurkey Time" (from "Promises, Promises")

Ridiculous...ly AWESOME showstopper from the 1968 Burt Bacharach/Hal David musical, Promises, Promises based on the 1960 Billy Wilder movie The Apartment. The lyrics make absolutely no sense ("Turkey Lurkey, Loosey Goosey, some for Uncle Joe! YEAH! Some for Cousin Lucy..."), but Michael Bennett's neck-snapping choreography that required chiropractors puts it in the "how do they DO that?!" category. (I tried it myself and my neck was in pain for a week). Donna McKechnie's "trick neck" was analyzed and obsessed over by Seth Rudetsky. The cast of the 2003 movie "Camp" reenacts this number, as have many others on YouTube.

(Fun fact: Kelly Bishop, the snotty grandma on Gilmore Girls, is one of the backup dancers).

Unfortunately, the new version of "Turkey Lurkey Time" in the revival is quite lame. The choreography isn't nearly as good, and the whole tempo is far too slow to be a neck-busting showstopper. Do I still want to see it anyway? You bet your bippy!


(Fear not; eventually I will return to your reguarly scheduled snarking).

"I Want to Love You Tender" (Danny & Armi)

If you mixed ABBA, Star Wars, all that is unholy in disco, and a Richard Simmons exercise video, you'd end up with this Finnish duo.

0:05 - ...yeah.

1:05 - Conga line doing a mass of lawnmowers

1:22 - They're coming to get you!

1:31 - Hi. Goodbye now.

1:35 - If the Hindu goddess Kali wore polyester

1:39 - And did hip thrusts.

1:46 - DANCE BREAK!

1:53 - Shh! They're conspiring!

1:58 - Lady being abducted while bystanders heartlessly skip away.

2:10 - No, I will not let you be my loving panda. Pandas are less hairy than you.

2:54 - Please, nobody do this at my wedding.

3:06 - This is the most androgynous group I've ever seen in my life. I seriously cannot tell who is male or female.

3:13 - There's got to be a name for this in the land of exercise videos.

3:19 - "Bye! Enjoy your lack of oxygen in space. Watch out for that Winnebago!"

"A Sign of the Times" (Petula Clark)

Poor Petula Clark is the only one who retains some dignity in this, mercifully restraining from the ridiculous backup dancing going on behind her (indeed a sign of the times- great song, though.). These poor souls have no idea what to do with cars, as one lady (attempting to drive said car by sitting on the trunk and steering in the air) is oblivious to the fact that she has run over another dancer, who is desperately trying to get out from under the car (while grasping for help to the beat of the music, of course).

Two mod-clad passers-by completely ignore his plight and continue to butt-bob away. Meanwhile, Petula rides in on the hood of a car.

0:28 - That is one groovy colored-square pantsuit.

A male dancer decides to take matters into his own hands and abducts the air-steering lady, who continues to happily steer her invisible car, even waving to Petula as she is carried away. Clearly a commentary on the true sadness of insanity.

0:35 - Man reenacts climbing a ladder underwater, gives up, and drowns. In style!

1:26 - DANCE BREAK!

1:37 - A hat attempts to run away from the incessant shoulder-rolling. It gets a starring role in 1:54 and in the finale.

2:02 - Human bells.

2:35 - Man attempts suicide by throwing himself under the car again. The girl on the hood just snaps her fingers to the catchy tune.

2:38 - "Hi Grandma! I'm on TV! Look up my skirt!"

2:53 - Man in red prays he'll never have to do this again.